image from blindmancan.com
wee tune that most of us know.
Rumour has it that our Arlene, the DUP’s battler for Fermanagh, used this old ditty when she called Enda on the “cross border hotline” to tell him that we in the New North are to host the G8 summit next year.
“So ye thought ye had come up with a good idea with yer yearlong Gathering, didn’t ye, Enda. Well, wait till I tell ye this. Our David in London has gotten us a better one; we have the G8 next year in Fermanagh. All the big nobs from all over the world are coming to the lakes of Fermanagh. And there’ll be twenty thousand press men and women as well. We’ll have more in a few days than you’ll get in the whole year. Free State, huh, yis’ll not outdo the New North,” said Arlene to a sleepy Enda.
“Twenty thousand press men and women from all over the world. Boys, that’s a big crowd. Where is yis going to put them all?” is the reported retort of our Enda.
“Eh, I don’t know,” says Arlene, now in a slightly quieter tone. “Eh, would yous have room for them down there?”
“Of course, Arlene,” says Enda with a snigger, “You bring them and we’ll clean them. And say thanks to David for the help with the Gathering.”
Over the next year we shall be treated to a load of rubbish about all these important people coming to Northern Ireland as if they were going to do something great for us. Let’s get a couple of things straight before we all get caught up in the hype.
First, there is no such thing as important people. They are people with important jobs. Mr Obama and Mr Putin need air, food, water and sleep the same as the rest of us. They will get their three score years and ten before floating off to meet the Great Leader in the sky where they shall give an account of their lives like the rest of us. When we meet De Man we are all equal.
Second, the world leaders shall come, be closeted away in a hotel, an exclusion zone shall keep everything bigger than a mouse away from them, and we shall see nothing but helicopters flying in the sky. (Like days of old)
Third, the media shall come in their droves, our shrewd hoteliers and restaurateurs shall fleece them as they deserve to be fleeced and off they shall go. The whole thing will last a few days and that’ll be the end of it.
Lastly, a few head the balls from various anarchist, socialist, communist and fascist groups shall be arrested for making a nuisance of themselves.
Oh, and the real continuity guys shall do nothing.
image from archives.thedailydose.com
How did people cope twenty years ago before we had rolling news all day long? Every day we have a dramatic headline on the news; Gaza the state, Gazza the footballer, a big bomb here, a wee bomb there; every day we need our constant supply of hyped up news.
Yes, we need to know what is going on but six hours of watching a flood in Devon and Corwall is a bit much. No one wants to see England flooded, but the Sky news at the weekend went over the top. I saw a bridge with water flowing over it for three days. Would seeing it once not have impressed me enough?
One thing I did see on the news that might be important when it comes to the G8 summit; if you have any dealings with Mr François Hollande the president of France, make sure you get paid in cash. According to Moody’s, the rating agency, the French are almost broke. They have been downgraded from a triple A battery to a double A battery. There’s not as much punch in their euro!
But don’t rub their noses in it, leave that for the dogs.
I see that doctors have used cells from the noses of dogs to reverse paralysis. Dogs which were paralysed were able to walk again after being injected with cells from their nose. Now that is real news. Millions of people could soon have cheap easy way to have hideous paralysis healed. The story got 30 seconds on the news. If you didn’t see it you probably yawned at the wrong time.
Paralysed Dachshund Jasper
Walks Again Via Nose
Cell Transplant, Offering
Hope For Humans
Cells carry within them the DNA code that goes to make us the people we are. No one is quite sure how the code works but it seems that Jasper the dachshund used his own DNA code to rebuild the muscles and whatever else was wrong with him. Before he got the new nose cell he hadn’t a dog’s life. Now he runs about like a new puppy, just because the wee dog could read a code.
They should employ Jasper the dachshund at GCHQ in England. GCHQ is the place where all England’s top security men work to tap our phones, read our e mails, and generally stick their nose into our business to make sure we are not a security threat to the world.
David Martin found a dead pigeon in his chimney. He rang John Cleese but Cleese said that it didn’t belong to him. On the leg of said dead pigeon Mr Martin found a second world code which our friends at GCHQ have not been able to crack. I looked at it on the internet and read it in two minutes.
It said, “The Germans, Russians, Italians, Canadians, Americans, French, Japanese and British are going to invade Fermanagh in the summer of 2013. Don’t let the French pay, they’re broke; and slip a drop of poteen into Merkel’s Irish stew to make her smile. Oh, and watch Obama when he’s at the golf. He doesn’t like to lose.”
I wonder will there be a streaker at the G8 protests. There are quite a few streakers about at the minute with nowhere to go. San Francisco has placed a ban on nudity and there are reports that some of them are already in the UK.
Naked man on statue brings
London traffic to standstill
image source: mirror.co.uk
Last Friday, a naked man climbed onto a statue of Prince George, Duke of Cambridge, just outside the Houses of Parliament.
A police officer at the scene said the man had snapped off part of the statue and waved it about before throwing it down. The particular part was not disclosed. The photos on the news showed a naked man standing on top of the statue. They’re on their way, the Streakers of San Francisco. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
I’m very cynical this week. My wife says I’m going through a mid life crisis. It’s something we all go through, us and our friends in the ape world.
An international team of researchers assessed the well-being and happiness of the great apes.
They found well-being was high in youth, fell to a low in midlife and rose again in old age, similar to the "U-shape curve" of happiness in humans.
The study brought together experts such as psychologists, primatologists and economists.
"What we are testing is whether the U-shaped curve can describe the association between age and well-being in non-human primates as it does in humans," psychologist and lead author Dr Alexander Weiss of the University of Edinburgh told BBC Nature.
Anyone who saw the Planet of the Apes already knew this. One of the poor women apes even kissed Charlton Heston. If that isn’t a mid life crisis then what is!
You can’t be too careful when it comes to mid life crises and things like that. I was going to look it up on the internet but I was afraid I’d be classed as a “cyberchondriac.” A cyberchondriac is a hypochondriac’s cousin, but instead of pestering the doctor a cyberchondriac annoys himself on the internet.
Arise, Web users
image from bookforum.com
There is a whole new branch of psychology that has developed lately and it is called “cyber psychology.” It’s that new that the newspapers don’t even know if it is one word or two. A cyberchondriac is a person who goes on the internet looking to find out how to treat a cut knee and ends up looking for gangrene; or who starts off with a headache and ends up googling “brain tumour.”
We’re inventing diseases all over the place. As we get more and more sophisticated in our lives we invent more and more sophisticated ways of making money. Good work if you can get it.
As part of my research into this phenomenon of cyberchondria I looked up a small health problem of my own. It’s a little delicate but I’ll share it anyway.
I suffer from a wee bit of diarrhoea so I looked it up on the internet. The only thing I could find out about diarrhoea was that it is hereditary; it runs in your genes!
There’s been a mighty row in the Church of England over the issue of women bishops. The whole voting thing ended up as a farce. The Archbishop of Canterbury said that the church would look silly because it had refused to allow women bishops.
This is where the Catholic Church is different from other churches; we have what Cardinal Basil Hume called “The gift of authority.”
image from theresurgence.com
The Catholic Church holds to the truth, public opinion will not make it shift. Once a church begins to give way on issues of truth and goes by public opinion then we end up in a mess. That’s the problem with the world today; we believe that because the majority of people say something then it must be right.
The Catholic Church holds that certain truths received from God cannot be changed. We may agree with it or disagree with it but that’s the way it is. History has shown that majority rule and what the majority wants can sometimes be a bad thing.
The most obvious example of this is Nazi Germany and the killing of the Jews. Did the majority wanting to kill the Jews make it right? Was slavery justified in America whenever the majority of the states were in favour of it?
Was the institutional discrimination in the north for fifty years, discrimination in jobs and housing, proper because the majority of the people voted in favour of the Unionist party?
There are certain truths and someone, even if it is the Catholic Church, shall have to hold on to them; there is a God, we shall give an account of our lives, killing is wrong, discrimination is wrong, hatred is wrong, and Jesus is the Lord of all.
image from uk.eonline.com
By the time you read this, Larry Hagman shall well and truly know all about the afterlife. Poor Larry, aka J.R. of that famous 1970s series, Dallas, has gone to the great oilfield in the sky. I have read many times that in real life Mr Hagman was a true gentleman.
There is one very funny story about Dallas worth telling. On a quiz show in England a contestant was asked, “What happened in Dallas on the 22nd of November 1963?” to which the hapless contestant replied, “I don’t know I wasn’t watching it that night!”
Poor Larry Hagman was stuck with a name no one liked, JR Ewing.
Mexico is going to change its name. Wait till you read this:
“Mexican President Felipe Calderon has sent a bill to congress to change the official name of the country. The current name, the United Mexican States, was adopted in 1824 and was intended to emulate its northern neighbour.
President Calderon wants to change it to just Mexico, as the country is known the world over.”
The people are proud to be Mexican just as we Catholics are now proud to be British. Well that’s what our Peter on the hill says and if he says it must be right.
Peter Robinson has come to the conclusion that Catholics want to be British in the New North.
Peter needs to remember a few things. When we had to take an oath of allegiance to a foreign queen to get a simple job, when we were discriminated against in jobs and housing and had to watch Orangemen march and parade where they were not wanted and see our neighbours beaten off the streets by the RUC if they objected, I did not hear Peter or his predecessor at the head of the DUP complain much.
All we ever wanted was fairness and justice.
Peter, has the world fallen apart because the Catholics are treated as equals in the New North? Your beloved Britain had to take Stormont from the unionists, disband the B specials, the RUC and finally the UDR. Every inch we gained we had to fight unionist resistance all the way.
Over 3,000 people died because unionism could not stomach civil rights for Catholics. Now that we are equal is Northern Ireland not a better place for it?
If I were the widow of a dead RUC man, I would be asking the leaders of unionism, “Why did you not cut a deal with our Catholic neighbours long ago and save my husband’s life?”
As a Catholic I am finding out that the New North is a good place to live, much better than the corrupt Free State.
3,000 lives later the Protestant unionist people are finding out that Catholics when they are given equality are not such a bad lot.
Why then did so many have to die?
“Our God is a great God.”
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published in Observer Newspaper group, N.I.
29th Nov '12